Restless night
by lorenfic
Summary: Based upon Reflected in your tears, well.. part of it


She couldn't understand it, she had just come back and things seemed to be looking up and Kirstie had just walked back in making her drop everything. She had come back for a fresh start, not to go back to how everything used to be. The pain stabbed at her heart, she had missed her, but not enough to just put her work on hold. Kirstie had made it pretty clear that the were over, but she couldn't help but think that she was just trying to convince herself. She picked up the pen that lay on the side and twiddled it between her fingers; she didn't want to write anything down, how could she express how she felt in a few words? She had seen Zubin and Kath get together, they had made love look so easy, like it was something that just came naturally with no baggage or problems. Maybe that was how it came to most, but she was far from most.  
  
She tried to pretend that she hadn't seen Kirstie, that it was all a dream that she had made up because she wanted things to be like they had been, but even her own thoughts didn't fool her. It had happened and it was really going on inside of her, the pain and heartache growing ever more hard to handle as the minutes passed. She couldn't ignore what was going on, no matter how much she tried. She still loved Kirstie, if that was what it truly was. The hands turned on the clock, slower than normal, as she watched the seconds pass, changing from minutes to hours. Heaven knows how long she sat there, the thoughts rushing through her mind, thinking of Mel, all the time she spent with her. Maybe that was true love, what Mel had shown her. She shook of the feeling like water off a ducks back, she tried not to remember Mel, it was worse than thinking of Kirstie. She had never had much luck in love, but at least then work was fun, but all now that went on was couples, she felt she could never escape love, the more she tried the worse she felt, remembering Mel and Kirstie.  
  
She wished that Kirstie had never come back, had stayed away as she had planned, but just as the thoughts hit her she realised that if she hadn't come back, she would never had found out how she truly felt. How she felt about Kirstie, it was just beginning to register in her mind, maybe that was what being in love felt like. But surely love can't hurt this much, again she remembered Mel, loving her hurt at the end, hurt so much that she felt she couldn't go on. One look at Kirstie, one word from her and she felt she was forgetting Mel, maybe that's what it was, she didn't want to replace Mel in her life. In the end she knew she had to, but she had began to hope that it wouldn't be so soon. But then again, wasn't any time too soon? That's what she had told her self and after a while you begin to believe it if you tell yourself enough.  
  
All that night she lay, tossing and turning, Kirstie's face permanently stuck in her mind as if scorched there by flaming Iron. How could someone be so hard to forget? She didn't want to answer that, she didn't want to tell herself that it was because she loved her, loved her so much that she lay awake at night worrying about her. The more she tried to forget her, the more she thought about her, and the more she regretted leaving that café, without telling Kirstie how she felt, the problem was, did Kirstie feel the same? The thoughts hit her like a ton of bricks, of course Kirstie didn't love her, why would she have just left, but then again, if she didn't, why did she come back? She couldn't fool herself, she had seen that look in Kirstie's eyes, she had been more surprised to see her than she had been to see Kirstie.  
  
She rolled over in bed, she had finally reached her decision after hours of restless worrying, she had to tell Kirstie. It couldn't even wait till the morning, she knew she wouldn't forget what she wanted to say, but she wanted to say it too much that she would shout it to the whole world if Kirstie would listen. She wrote it on a piece of paper, who knows how many times she tried to word it, but the pile of screwed up paper increased, overflowing the bin. She looked down onto the piece of paper, the three words summed up everything she wanted to say I love you but she had to finish it someway else. So she added I miss you and slipped it under Kirsties door, had she done the tight thing? She didn't know, but there was no turning back now, it had all been said and she could finally sleep.  
  
On the way back, how easy would it have been to simply walk infront of a bus, quick and painless. All the while she knew her night of misery would have been for nothing. She couldn't die, not without seeing Kirstie once more, not without a fight. Kirstie had come back for a reason and whatever that was, when the time was right, Kirstie would tell her. Until then she would just have to stand by and hope Kirstie felt the same. Why did she go back? She had no idea, al she knew was that she had just inflicted upon herself another restless night. 


End file.
